Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

This is a bit long and not exactly a joke but hope you guys will appreciate it !

This is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep sh**ing. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.
“So, Cornish farmer, how do you sh*g your sheep?” “Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”
“That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
“So, Midlands farmer, how do you sh*g your sheep?”
“Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.”
“That’s very interesting,” replies the researcher. “That’s how they do it in Cornwall too.” And he leaves the Midlands farmer.
Then he meets Tekky.
“So, Tekky, how do you sh*g your sheep?”
“Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.”
“Over your shoulders?” replies the researcher. “Don’t you put them over a wall like everyone else?”
“What?” says Tekky. “And miss out on all the kissing?!”

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England ,
and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard,
but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission
for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site,
even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government are beating me to it.'